Cop a Feel For the Bottom Line

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     Capitalism loves a good humanitarian cause. I mean, really, are you even a popular plague for humanity if corporations aren’t profiting off of you? Just ask breast cancer, one of the true OG poster children of the corporate co-opting movement.

     With an entire month dedicated to acknowledging its existence, breast cancer is the altar at which companies worship in October. The pervasive disease can be credited with single-handedly making pink a popular color in the adult population for at least a month. It also helps sociopaths blend in better with the normals: they just head on to their nearest Walmart or Target or any big chain, really, and buy a snazzy new product that “helps” fund breast cancer research for a quick little Instagram post.

     Now reader, you – a well-intentioned human just trying to do right – might be saying, “Aren’t you being a bit too harsh? Don’t we need corporations trying to raise awareness about breast cancer by selling themed products in October that will help them donate to cancer research?” Well, let me help you remove your pink sunglasses and lay it all on the line: corporations don’t care about our undear friend, breast cancer.

     Most of the pink products you buy and the parties you attend to help corporations raise funds for breast cancer never actually make it to the cause. It’s such an open secret that The New York Times even ran an exposé about it way back in 2015. The article shows that the illustrious people at Dick’s Sporting Goods perfected their villainous cackle when they added teensy-weensy disclaimers on their pink products proclaiming, “Suck ass, breast cancer! This money is mine!”

     The relationship between breast cancer and capitalism is so toxic that even all the self-examination graphics that make their obligatory cameos in October are just ways for big pharma to get their oily hands on that sweet, sweet mammogram money. But, hey, what else were we expecting from an awareness month started by the ancestors of British pharma behemoth, AstraZeneca? Oh, and let’s not forget that the companies driving the pink bandwagon use chemicals that potentially cause breast cancer!

     So, maybe the next time you find yourself roaming aimlessly in Target in October, do yourself a favor and buy that cute pink planner because it’s pretty, and not because you think buying it will help Target cure breast cancer.